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Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Introducing your Bearded Utah Jazz

What do the Jazz need to reach that almighty pinnacle of an NBA Championship?

Facial Hair.

History has shown us that the beard commands attention and power.

Let us take a quick journey together...

Honest Beards: Abe's beard commanded respect, and an entire nation.

The White Wisdom Beard: Moses knew what it would take to have people follow him: A beard (The hand of God helped as well)

The "I'm dead serious" Beard: Brother Brigham led many people through difficult times, knowing that better times were just around the corner.

The "I wish it was real" Beard: Gumdrops and dump trucks. The one beard who has heard almost as many prayers as Jesus.

High Energy Beard: Macho Man knew how to use his beard to harvest his high energy even in to his early 50's.

Been around the Block Beard: ZZ Top knew how to use their beards to become superstars. Even though they never really deserved that title.

"I Pity the Fool" Beard: This vicious combination of Mohawk and beard made us all want to drive a black van with sweet rims.

Seriously, not again Randy.

I'll kill you and smile doing it Beard: This is a beard the Jazz could really use. This beard taught us that you never quit.

Funny Beard: Beards that didn't last nearly long enough. Their lives were short, but sweet.

I just made Beards cool: You can always raise your game a notch by showing up on a big night with one of these bad boys.

Smart Beard: Apple wouldn't be where it was today if it wasn't for the smartest most inventive beard on the planet.

So if you want to win an NBA championship, what do you do?

That's right. Release the facial hair. Boozer got us started with his "Bald But Beardy" look during the playoffs last year. Deron followed suit with his "Team USA Serious" beard. Memo showed up to camp with his "A year older and wiser Euro Beard". And last but not least Ronnie is still sporting his High School Sophomore mustache/patchy thing. The only guy left out is AK, which is surprising because with a prominent chin like his, you'd think he do whatever it took to compensate.

Let's break down each player and what beard they need in order to step their game up this season.

Andrei Kirilenko
Needs Steve Jobs' beard for his brains and ability to adapt.
Needs Santa Claus' beard for his ability to bring out the best in others.
Needs ZZ Tops beard to quit looking like a 17 year old.

Needs honest Abe's beard to keep him true to his position and play some interior D like he is supposed to .
Needs Macho Man Randy Savage's beard to build a fire in him and keep his energy level up the entire season.

Ronnie Brewer
Needs a Moses' beard to get a little older and more mature.
Needs one of the 300 beards to get that killer instinct and not give into all the prime time two guards he'll be facing this season.

Carlos Boozer
Needs Honest Abe's beard more than anyone in the league.
Needs Mr. T's beard to help him scare the bejesus out of anyone who steps in front of him in the paint. Ditch the little hook Booz and take it to them hard.

Deron Williams
This guy has a little of each of these beards.
Needs a little more Moses' beard to help him make wise decisions and take a game over when needed.
Needs Jim Halpert's beard to help him become the next big thing in the NBA and get in some high profile endorsements.
Needs Conan and Dave's beard to take his interviews a little less serious and let his true funny personality come through.
Needs brother Brigham's beard to help lead Jazz Nation to Zion and the Larry O'Brien trophy.

So there you have it. Put that Barbasol away Jazz men, because we are calling out the Facial Hair Gods to smile on you and take your game to the next level.

Go Jazz!


Hammy said...

Nothing would make me happier than to see the Jazz as a team dawn the hockey playoff beard for the entire season. At the very least they should start the season with it as a sign of dedication to defense and un-intentional comedy.

Jordan said...

That was one of the best posts I've ever read. I always read the site, but don't post much, but I just couldn't pass this one up. Time to go start my Brother Brigham beard...

Booner said...

Dude, Memo's beard is looking good. I haven't seen that yet. Memo is back!
I would like to give AK crap for not supporting Facial Hair Fest 2009, however, as someone who takes three months to grow scruff, I can respect his inability to grow a beard. With that said, what A.K. needs to do to compensate for his lack of facial hair is a good, quality mullet, such as this:

Is it a Moses But it's what I like to call "The Intimidator." Can you imagine this bad boy driving on your ass? Let me tell you something son, if the Intimidator is coming down the lane, you have one option, and one option only...get the &%$# out!

Let's do it A.K.

grungedave said...

You leave ZZ Top out of this... they are the pride of Houston!! And they probably hate the Utah Jazz, too!

Hammy said...

Damnit!! I did not realize that ZZ Top was from Houston. I just had to delete them off my iPod as to stick with my policy of hating all things Houston.

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